Dogs

As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought...

"Just throw it."

Bailing

I had a strange dream the other night, I went to Heaven and St Peter said you cannot come in here unless you do something really spectacular, take this bucket and go bail out Lake Superior.

I never stopped bailing, the days turned into weeks, the weeks into months. Finally, exhausted I went back to St Peter and pleaded with him for something a little easier.

He again repeated that nothing less than something spectacular will get you through these gates. But he relented and gave me another task. Find me a Presidential candidate that can save America apart from Ron Paul.

I replied, never mind - give me back the bucket.

Hookers

Hookers in Times Square are offering a Mitt Romney special. For $20 they will change position.

Cruise

"There's a cruise ship doing a weekly jaunt around the Carribean and among the entertainers on board there is a conjurer. As there is a new group of passengers each week, he doesn't feel the need to come up with any new material and as the season goes on, he just repeats the same act over and over. Now the Captain had a parrot which was kept in the Ballroom where the conjurer performed and, after a few weeks, he'd worked out all the tricks and took to spoiling them by shouting out the answers - "The card's up his sleeve!" "It's the Ace of Spades!" and so on. The conjurer dearly wanted to throttle that bird but, as I say, it was the Captain's parrot...........

Now it so happened that they ran into a tropical storm and the ship sank. The conjurer barely escaped with his life, but was able to find a life raft and floated away on his own. Well, not quite on his own because flapping out of the storm came the Captain's parrot and landed on the other side of the raft, fixing him with its beady eyes. For three days they floated on the ocean alone; the conjurer glared at that bird and the bird stared right back. Neither said a word. On the fourth day, the parrot broke the silence -

"OK, I give up. Where's the freaking ship?!"

Surgery

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret
and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately
calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about
my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality
and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went
through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose?' she asked.

'That' s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you
for his new ears.'

Socrates

In ancient Greece(469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. "That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary...."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Mother of all bombs